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(Cross-post from Facebook)

I've been thinking about myself lately. A good thing, I think. Everyone needs to do that every now and then. I just finished a mental health first aid course at work in which I shared some personal stuff, so maybe that's what's brought all this up. It could have also been that when I left the osteo today after picking up my orthotics, a construction worker oinked at me. True story. People do that.

I'm not saying the following to have people feel sorry for me, or to get pity, or sad faces, or anything else like that. I'm saying it because some people really don't understand the fact that the things they say and/or do can impact massively on another person's life. Not just fat people (which I'm going to talk about), anybody. You may have laughed at that fat man on the street, or that woman wearing the weird dress, but what do you think is going on in their head? Maybe they were having a really fantastic day, and were loving life, and all of a sudden a bunch of idiots laughing at them ruined it. Maybe they were having a crap day. Maybe they go home and hurt themselves, or worse. Maybe that laugh in their face, or the sniggering and snide comments behind their back were the last they could handle.

I've been thinking about weight and the things people say to you when you're overweight. The first thing people say to me now is 'Have you lost weight?!' I have, and it's a good thing, I'm happy about it, but how do you think it makes a person feel to know that their weight is the only thing you notice about them? I don't mind people asking me if they do notice, because I'm proud of myself, but why aren't I already happy with the way that I am? I'll tell you why. Because the second you start to put on weight, people treat you differently. They ignore you, laugh at you behind your back (or to your face), make animal noises as you walk past, tell you you'd better not sit in that chair because it might break... You're made to feel ashamed and bad about yourself, just because you don't fit the image the media or the 'general public' says you should fit. Who cares if you're healthy and happy? You're a 24-year-old woman? You should look like this actress, or that model, or that socialite, not the way you currently do.

I take the abuse and the comments and the ignoring, and just add them to my ever-growing list of neuroses. I've gotten a bit better at dealing with it, but one mean comment, one laugh, can undo months of happiness and good feelings of self-worth. Want some examples? These are actual things that have been said to me (from ex-friends, family members, colleagues, and random people):

- No one will ever love you/How do you think anyone could ever love you looking like that? (this comes up quite often)

- You're not smart. If you were smart, you wouldn't be fat.

- You have such a pretty face… It's a shame. (this too)

- ‘Moooo!’ 'Fat c***, lose some weight!' 'Heifer!' etc etc (from people on the street or driving past)

- You're disgusting.

- If I looked like you I'd kill myself.

- Why don’t you want to come with us? You don’t have to get clothes. Just get some accessories or something that won't make you look so big.

- People would stop bullying you if you weren’t so fat.

- Don’t you hate looking in the mirror?

- If you don’t lose weight, you’ll be dead before you’re 30.

- A friend of mine lost her overweight nephew last week. He died in his sleep. He was only 22. *pointed look* Well? What do you say about that?

- Why do you bother? (when having my hair done)

- If you lost weight, all your problems would go away (untrue, yet this by three doctors to date; a former GP and two doctors at the hospital)

- Boom, boom, boom! *followed by laughing* (when I walked past some people)

There are many, many more, but I'll leave it there. See what I mean? Some people are jerks! The fact that some seem so vehemently disgusted by your appearance that they have to yell out the window of a moving car, amazes me. 'If I looked like you, I'd kill myself.' Are overweight people that hideously disgusting and repulsive that you'd rather be dead than weigh a bit more? Imagine if someone said that crap to you! You're disgusting, you're worthless, you're pathetic. Now imagine someone saying that to you every day for as long as you can remember. Because this stuff doesn't just happen once or twice a year. It happens all the damn time. A human being doesn't stop being a human being because they're overweight. Your feelings don't disappear as the kilos stack on. And don't you think that overweight people know that they're overweight? 'You're fat!' I am?!?!?! Gee, thanks for telling me, genius! I never would have picked up on that if you, in your infinite wisdom and obvious care for my well-being and mental health, hadn't told me.

I'm getting frustrated now, so I'm going to stop, but I just want to say this. Before you say or do something, before you pick on someone's appearance, or their perceived intelligence or whatever, put yourselves in their shoes for a second. Imagine how you would feel if someone said/did to you what you were about to say/do to them. It really hurts when people say these things, yet most people either don't care, or aren't aware that their actions have consequences. That construction worker from this afternoon doesn't know that I got in the car and spent the whole drive home making myself feel ill from shame and embarrassment. He probably didn't give me a second thought.
My friends Kelly and Sam lost their brother in a plane accident in New Zealand today. He was only 18 years old. He died on an adventure holiday, something he'd wanted to do for years. Really makes you want to seize the day. Rest peacefully Glenn x

Only 55 days to go...

...til I land in the US again! :D

I'm so excited. I still, like last time, can't believe I'm going. I haven't told anyone in my family other than my brother, sister and step-nan, but like she said, it's likely nobody will notice I'm gone anyway :P

I figured I'd start working out logistics seeing as I haven't really got anything planned aside from the dates I'm arriving and leaving. I know I'm spending time with both Dogma and Indi (yay!), but I'm wondering whether I should do a few little trips on my own as well. I'm not too sure yet, but I'm looking into things. I quite like long train/bus trips, so I might go on a few stints to other states, but again, not sure.

Anyone got any suggestions as to places I might like to visit? :) I was thinking I might spend a couple of days in Chicago as last time I was there I was pretty sick so didn't really get to see/do much. I'm arriving on the 23rd of October, and leaving on the 17th of November. I'm spending the first part of the trip with Indi, who has very kindly offered to get me from the airport even though it's a fair hike from her house and I arrive at 5.15 in the morning! What a legend. Then I was thinking either I could go straight to Dogma's and travel a bit afterwards, or travel a bit in between, then go to Dogma's at the end. Decisions, decisions! :)

Random things...

Got a long overdue haircut yesterday. Hopefully I remember to do the whole 'get it cut every 8 or 9 weeks' thing, although I think that's unlikely :P

In other news, I'm planning another stint in the US :) So excited; I can't wait :) Thanks to Gretchen and Gail who have offered to house me again :D Love you guys x

Thought I might post a couple of photos from when I went camping recently :)

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Just a note to remind myself so I don't forget when I come back from camping... Send in a tape to Vision Australia's volunteer reader program.

G'night, see you in two weeks :)

Ganked this from shanrina  :)


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My last post was about a job interview I was having at my local police station. I haven't updated because I was kind of bummed and because when I got my stitches out on Monday the doctor said that my wound hadn't really healed at all, and that I would have to have a nurse visit me every day and change the dressings for the next two to three weeks. At no set time, by the way. They just call me the night before and say 'We're coming at 8.30 tomorrow morning' or 'I'll be there between 2.30 and 3 tomorrow afternoon'. *Grr!* Anyway...

The interview was last Thursday, and it went absolutely great. I met with three women; a Senior Sergeant, a lady from the admin team, and a lady from the HR team. They were really lovely. There were so many questions! I'd answered most of them on my application so it went pretty smoothly. They had a couple of last questions for me, and then asked me if I had any questions for them. I wanted to clear up the committment I'd be making (i.e. making sure it was full time and that I wasn't going to have to declare bankruptcy and live on the street), and was crushed to hear them say that it was a fixed-term position, working part time for a year, maximum of 10 hours a week. Now, see, I wouldn't have applied if the application said part time! Needless to say, after having the interview go so well I was really upset and annoyed, but figured I'd get over it. Then when I got home, the Coroner's Office called me and asked if I could go in for an interview on the 19th of Jan. I said yes, because that's where I really wanted to go, and it's full time so it'd be great. Not too far from my current work place so I could go and visit if I wanted to see my friends, but not so close that we'd be bumping into each other on our lunch breaks.

I called the police station earlier today and left a message for the Snr Sgt saying that I was really sorry but due to my current financial situation I wasn't going to be able to make the money work (Did I mention I'd have to take a $15,000 a year pay cut??! I don't think so!). So then I was watching Ellen, then I watched Oprah, then I fell asleep on the couch for a little bit (no offense, Oprah, I didn't sleep much last night), and then I turned on my computer where I had an email from Helen, the HR lady I met with in the interview. Something along the lines of 'I've been trying to reach you but I think I have the wrong number, can you please call me?' I called and spoke to the Snr Sgt instead as Helen was busy, but she basically said that they thought I was great and that the reason they'd taken so long in getting back to me about the position was because they were trying to make the figures work so that I could work full time for the first six months of the contract, and then part time for the remaining six months. !!. They were very impressed with me and think that I'd be 'a great addition to the team', so that inflated my ego a wee bit :) Need a bit of that every now and then. She asked me if that would work, and I said yes, probably not considering the implications that might have for me later in the year. I'm hoping by the end of the first six months that I'll have some tutoring or something I can do to help out a bit. Also hoping I can save enough on transport and other work-related costs so that I'll have a bit of money set aside. I have to go in for fingerprinting tomorrow which is kind of nerve-wracking even though I know I haven't ever done anything wrong, and then it's pretty much set.

But now they're trying to get a reference from my current manager whom I haven't told anything about the job interviews. To be fair to myself, I haven't been to work yet, and I haven't seen her so I haven't really had a chance to talk to her, but I still feel bad. It's springing it on her, and I didn't want to do that. Tried to call earlier, but she's not around.

So now I'm excited and hoping like hell that I haven't got my hopes up again for them to turn around and say 'Sorry, we couldn't work it out with the funds'.

EDIT: My manager called me this afternoon and told me that Helen had called her for a reference, so that's all done. Apparently Julie (my manager) talked me up so much that Helen thought I was over-qualified for the role and that they should get someone else. Jules is the best manager ever. I hope everyone gets to work under someone as cool and as nice as her some time in their life. 

I was just saying last night in FM chat that I'd applied for a few jobs before Christmas (the 11th of December to be exact) and that I hadn't heard anything back, and then this morning I got a call from a woman at my local police station who invited me in for an interview on Thursday! I'm glad I haven't started back at work for the year yet, because now I don't have to make up an excuse to take a few hours off :P

I'm so excited! Hopefully my wound heals up nicely and the stitches are nice and clean in coming out on the 12th :\

Dec. 2nd, 2008

According to my LJ homepage, I haven't updated in 8 weeks. That's a bit slack. I haven't even been doing anything exciting that's been keeping me so occupied that I can't spend three minutes updating, saying hi to my peeps and letting people know I'm still alive.

So, I've decided (again, but for real this time) that I have to start looking for another job. It isn't about money this time, it's about the fact that I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing with my life. I'm just stuck in a work-home-work-home cycle, and I feel like nothing is *happening*. I'm so boring these days it's ridiculous. Not that I was all that exciting before, but I at least felt like I was working toward something. Nowadays I loathe getting up because I know that nothing is waiting for me at work. I know that I'm going to go and work for 8 or so hours and nothing's going to happen. I want to be doing something worthwhile with my time, not feel like I'm just waiting for something better to come along.
I've applied for a job at the State Coroner's Office, one at my local police station, and another at the Department of Human Services. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure that any of those will get me closer to where I want to be, but two of them are part time which would give me time to go back to uni, as well as paying me well enough that I won't have to go back on any sort of Government handout. I really want to get started on the next phase of my life - uni, working in my chosen profession, travelling the world.

One of the guys at work was caught up in the terrorist activity in Mumbai the other day. He was staying in one of the hotels that got attacked. He and his wife (both in their 60s) had to lock themselves in their room and hide for 6 hours, until some firemen got them out the window on a ladder. They were hiding in their room while grenades and machine guns were going off in the hall just outside their door. I can't imagine how scary that must have been. I'm so glad they're safe, and I'm even more glad that the terrorists didn't get to carry out their plan. Apparently the plan was to kill 5,000 people. I can't comprehend people sometimes. I just don't get it.

Because I'm a klutzy idiot, I fell over two weeks ago. Rolled my ankle and then fell to my knees like a tonne of bricks, ironically enough, on a path made of bricks. It hurt like a bitch. Two weeks later, it's still hurting like a bitch! According to my osteopath, my ankles are too flexible, and that the movement I have in them isn't normal. Which would explain all the problems I've been having with them over the past few years. I've had a few osteo appointments, but nothing seems to be feeling any better. I have another appointment tomorrow, so hopefully that eases something up soon, or else I'm going to be doped out of my brain on pain meds.

Ganked from vg_ford   :)

Step One
Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun to medium to really big. The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two
Surf around your friends list (or friends of friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Once a wish has been granted, it will be crossed off the list.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

The Wishlist (in no particular order):
1.  Snail mail addresses so I can stalk you send you stuff
2.  Notebook/journal/smooth-writing pen
3.  Buttons/beads/old 20 cent jewellery from op shops/second hand stores/thrift shops
4.  Old history books - medieval, Russian, German, Roman, Soviet... anything
5.  A White Pages directory from a country foreign to my own (Australia)
6.  Quick and easy dinner recipes
7.  A buddy for a night - dinner and/or a movie or something
8.  I'd *love love* a penpal. I know that email/IM is so much quicker, but there's nothing cooler than getting a handwritten letter with some little bits and pieces in the mail. It's also a great feeling knowing I'm making someone's day a little bit brighter. Makes me feel spesh :)
9.  A story, or a joke, or a poem about anything you like. One you've written, one you've heard, one you love
10.  For everyone else to do this so I can help make a wish come true :)

Note the first: Used items are always welcome; I love things with history.
Note the second: If required, email/PM me for my snail mail address.


Letter meme

Dear catrinp ,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realised it on the first of May at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my mustard souffle. I'm sure you're man enough to understand how awful I've felt. I'm returning your memories from the military service, but I'll keep your suicide note as a memory. You should know that I never openly mocked our friendship.

Good luck on your short term-leave from jail,

I tag scarlettarcher , empath_1111 , shanrina , silvarastar and catrinp 

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